I got a bad feeling about this one
by frenchdreamer75
Summary: Alicia Kalinda. Post 3.20. Spoilers 3.21.


"I got a bad feeling about this one."

Kalinda wants to have a bad feeling about this one, too. She is trying hard to absorb the idea of a bad feeling and to hide this almost beatific smile from her lips. She still can't realize that she's where she's wanted to be for months : at a bar, sharing a drink and a few confidences with her best friend.

Her friend. Her best friend –she's never been able to stop calling her that. She sometimes has the feeling that it transpires too much in everything she does, but she can't help it. Cary has seen it, Will has seen it, even Lana has seen it and has been acting upon it. Kalinda thought she had convinced herself over the years that she was emotionally independent, unattached and free, and yet she has had to aknowledge that she can't stop looking for even a small dose of Alicia's presence everyday. She was mad at herself for being so needy at the beginning: that was so much against the character that she had built for herself. But she has been learning to accept it, and she has also been learning to show Alicia that she misses her, that she cares about her, and that she will be here when Alicia needs her, whatever happens. Call it friendship, call it love –it's here anyway and Kalinda has decided that it can't be that bad.

And Alicia is getting there too, she knows that. Not blatantly, that is for sure, but she is. Faster than she thinks she is. A few silver linings. An aknowledgement, here and there, that Kalinda isn't completely absent or fully hated. A few thanks, a smile and a joke, an "us" that Kalinda hadn't seen coming in the IRS office. She knew that she had taken the biggest emotional risk when she had brought her the beer, but even if she could have slapped herself for making herself so dangerously vulnerable, she understood that Alicia had reacted so strongly mostly because she was _unprepared_. Kalinda should have known. No, working together wasn't good enough for her, but even if it hurt deeply to agree that it was at the moment, the positive side is that Kalinda has made the opposite clear to Alicia. Working together is not good enough. For either of them.

That is how transparent she has made herself become, for Alicia. That is how she has promised her, her friend, that she would always be honest with her, and that she would put everything on the table, for her, because having her as a friend is more important than anything. That thought still terrifies her, but she's coming to terms with it and even discovering that it could be good for her. Having a friend. Having someone that she feels close enough to share part of the burden, and oh, what a burden. Will was right, she was going to have to confide in someone at one point. She is finally ready for it –only her confidante needs a little more time.

In contrast, Alicia is the one who has now become more difficult to read –almost opaque actually. Just by looking at her face, Kalinda used to be able to see how Alicia was, where she stood, if she was in trouble or if she was on for some fun. No one ever surprised Kalinda, especially Alicia –she remembers the day she had told her that, how Alicia had smiled at her. But since everything had exploded last year, Alicia had closed herself off. Had they still been friends, Kalinda would have told her as a joke that she was turning into her: private. One thing Kalinda could see though was that Alicia certainly didn't look like a fulfilled, happy woman, but she hadn't seen any sadness either, nor any sign of distress. Alicia was cold, and neutral. Personally absent, but professional. At least until a couple of weeks ago.

"What's wrong?" Kalinda had asked a despondent Alicia when she saw her watching another You-Tube video in her office. Unusually unguarded, Alicia had looked at her and let out a desperate "Everything!", before straightening up, almost apologizingly, and adding quickly, "but I'll be all right."

"Are you sure?" Kalinda didn't even try to hide the concern in her voice. Another unguarded stare ensued, in which Kalinda understood that Alicia's "Everything" wasn't an empty word. A whole year of untold frustration, sadness and hurt was contained in this single word. Tears were coming up. But again, Alicia shook the feeling off as quickly as it had come.

"Yes, don't worry. Thanks, Kalinda."

Kalinda hadn't wanted to insist. She hadn't wanted to break the spell. Alicia had told her a great deal already, and pushing it would only make her step back. Kalinda remembered how careful and sensitive Alicia had been with her when they were friends and Kalinda wouldn't volunteer for any information about herself. She hadn't gained her trust immediately, but had softly made her way through Kalinda's complicated and broken soul. Now she wanted to be as tactful as her friend had been with her –she had learned that, too, from Alicia. Two broken souls who put walls between their true feelings and the rest of the world : being friends again wasn't going to be easy, but it would happen –it was now obvious to Kalinda.

"You're welcome. Anytime." And Kalinda could bet she'd seen an affirmative answer in Alicia's eyes.

As everyone, Kalinda watched Peter's announcement on TV. She was glad to be on her own, not at the office –she could imagine too well the different reactions she'd hear to Alicia's presence next to Peter. It was no secret at the firm that the Florricks had been separated for a while, and seeing them together was bound to loosen people's tongues. Kalinda didn't want to hear any of it. She was a bit worried about Will and hoped he'd be ok with it –he had had a rough year already. Will was a nice man and he deserved to be happy. Yet her biggest concern was for Alicia. What was she doing? What the hell was she thinking? She looked at her friend's face on the screen and tried to read into it. Kalinda had always been good at understanding people's hidden motives, but this time she couldn't single one out. Nothing words could express coherently. Triumph and defeat. Pride and dejection. Determination and fear. In a few micro-seconds, Alicia showed her everything. Everything that she, Kalinda, had been through when she had changed her life. Kalinda took a deep breath. She understood. She knew.

Cary was coming back to the firm. Kalinda wasn't sure how it would work, but it would anyway. She had faced tougher challenges, so she reassured Cary about their ability to work together. A big group had gone down to the bar to celebrate after work, but she wasn't in the mood to join in, and she had some work to get finished. Until she received the text.

"Missing you here."

Kalinda couldn't help but smile blissfully. Those three words were probably among the softest she'd ever received in her life. And she knew Alicia hadn't sent them randomly –alcohol was undoubtedly helping a little, but even a highly intoxicated Alicia had to know what they meant.

Kalinda's heart was beating faster as she finished her research for the case she was working on. She wanted to be thorough –this was a case she was working on with Alicia. Then she put away her things, got everything ready for the next day, and finally went down to the bar.

There are still a lot of people, but the place is starting to clear up a little. Nervously tapping her phone, she scans the crowd, until she sees her. She is at the bar, on her own, an empty seat besides her. Kalinda smiles at her tentatively, and when Alicia reciprocates the same shy smile Kalinda walks to her and takes her seat. Re-building means they will have to start some parts all over again, and this feels like a first date –heart skipping a bit, shaky hands, trembling voice.

"Hi."

"Hi."

"Tequila?"

"Sure."

One shot.

They clink glasses on the second shot, but remain silent. In the middle of the bar noises, laughter and animated discussions, it has been a long time since they have felt so comfortable. Smiling, at last.

"It feels good."

"I know."

There is so much coming up, so much that they both will have to talk about –past, present, future, everything is uncertain. But for now they want to enjoy the moment. The smiles. Kalinda is overwhelmed by a rush of affection. She wishes she could put her hand on her friend's hand, but she doesn't dare to –Alicia has become the deer, so easily scared away. And then a warmness envelops Kalinda. Alicia has put her hand on hers, squeezing softly, sending a little electric shock throughout her body. It's gone before long, but the feeling remains. Peaceful.

"So you're working on the Dole case?"

Kalinda nods.

"I got a bad feeling about this one."

"Yeah", Kalinda says, "I'm the same."


End file.
